I Am Not A Critic

Shiney Lips

One would think that since  last summer’s (2008) box office champ was Dark Knight, that we would have lots to look forward to with the 2009 box office winner.  Wrong.  This is a horrible movie.  The only way I personally survived it, was by watching it with a rifftrack.

Don’t get me wrong, if you are a 13 year old boy, you may like this movie.  Apparently your junior high peers were locked in a room and forced to produce this script.  How else could one explain a number greater than 5 in animal (or robot) humping scenes. (I hate that word, but they forced me to use it)

In the first Transformer movie, the parents of Shia Labouf are annoying, but funny.  Eliminate funny for this movie.  They are almost as loud as the machines and more obnoxious than a Pauly Shore character.  The incomprehensible babbling that occurs whenever this couple is on screen makes one wonder if the writers were actually even literate.

Speaking of babbling, or should I say stuttering, Shia Labouf has made this into an art form.  One of my favorite lines from the riffer’s in this movie was about Shia going from zero to Jerry Lewis in 3.8 seconds.  But I understand that they have to keep that acting talent to a minimum with Megan Fox in the credits.  I know that she thinks that she is a great talent, but Miss Fox should graciously retreat into the B movie abyss.  I am still not sure how she can continuously apply lip gloss while being chased through the desert by gigantic robots, but she somehow manages.

The visual effects of the Transformers transforming lost it’s novelty about midway through the first movie, but never fear, there is plenty to go around this one as well.  The extra Transformer characters are even more painful than the inexplicably long battle scene in Egypt.  There is a pair of jive talking mini bots that make JarJar Binks a sympathetic character.  There is also a Scottish accented decepticon turned good guy, and an obscenely exposed gigantic dog robot (no way to elaborate on that).  The Transformer fight scenes are so loud and jumbled that it is almost impossible to distinguish one robot from the next.

This is as much as I can elaborate on this painful experience. Keep in mind, I didn’t even mention the even more trampy than Megan Fox female robot, and Shia going to robot heaven(?).   My recommendation, spare yourself, do not watch, unless you download the rifftrax.